I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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