I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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