I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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