I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
