Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he puts the penis in happiness.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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