Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
