Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
