I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
