i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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