Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
