I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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