I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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