Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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