My liver just broke up with me...
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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