its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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