____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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