I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
