You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
