i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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