VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
