My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
