I seem to have left my pride at pride
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
