on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
