Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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