I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
