I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
