It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
