I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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