Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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