Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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