some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
