Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
