i think my tv is drunk
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
