Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
