OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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