I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
