oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
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