Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
