I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
