I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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