it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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