Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
