I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
