Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
