hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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