remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
