I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
