found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
