He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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