I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
