Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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