I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
