i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
