you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
