When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He has the fingertips of a God
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
