2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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