my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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