one word: firstdatebathroomanal
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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