I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
